Jessica's Secret Read online

  Chapter 1 - Dissolution

  Jessica was unable to remember when she had first begun to feel disdain toward Charles and the marriage – she only knew that his previously admirable qualities had become irksome. The soothing voice she once loved to listen to had grown increasingly more screechy with time, the sound similar to the shrill noise of nails on a chalkboard, or that of a screeching hyena. Four blissful years following a magical courtship, the relationship lost its vivacity. Jessica began to emotionally withdraw from Charles; she felt that they had grown to be two different people. Once Charles sensed her distance, the pressure began; he could not bear the thought of losing his beloved.

  Jessica felt a strange obligation to Charles – a sense of loyalty. They had lived together in several dwellings, shared many birthdays, holidays, and family gatherings. She cared about Charles, but only in the way she would care about a close, dear friend of hers – perhaps even a relative. Much to the dismay of Charles, this platonic love was not enough for Jessica to be in a long-term relationship with a man whose heart she would irreparably destroy.

  The idea of being trapped into marriage at such a young age was terrifying to Jessica. She had envisioned herself as many different entities, but young wife had not been one of them. The flight response set in and Jessica knew she had to think of an exit strategy, fast. Unsure exactly of what she wanted out of the world, but certain she desired new travel and new freedom, the state of ambiguity hit Jessica like a draught of wine – suddenly and without any warning.

  It distressed Jessica that she could not commit to the promises she made to Charles, a sincere man who would have gladly gone to the moon for her. This discord disturbed the natural order of their shared universe. The more Jessica wanted to reflect in solitary isolation, the more Charles seemed to latch on tighter – like a single wax candle trying to remain lit in front of an open window, during gusts of wind and storm.

  Chapter 2 – Affair

  At the peak of her development as a young woman, Jessica found many to be enamored with her playful and captivating personality. A curious girl filled with daydreams, she could get lost for hours on end in one of her wonderful books which infiltrated her numerous bookshelves. Fantasies of spending time with her favorite authors were rampant in Jessica’s vibrant imagination. An eagerness for knowledge about the world and others made her a skilled conversation partner to the delight of many. The quality of being receptive to new ideas and experiences made her an entertaining friend.

  Mediterranean features and chestnut-colored eyes with flecks of gold in them; statuesque height, shapely physique and plum lips made her seem pretty, innocent, and reserved. Innocent she was not and they all seemed to have little clue about her, which made her admirers all the more curious. Jessica’s personality allowed one to feel perfectly at ease around her.

  On a bitter, wintry afternoon Jessica began a friendship with a twenty-eight year-old blonde coworker named Marie. They went for long walks under the tunnel trees in the woods and along the magnificent, frozen lake. They discussed the relationships of Sartre and Beauvoir, Henry and Nin. Jessica had never felt about a girl the way she felt about Marie. A toned dancer with silky smooth, wavy locks, porcelain skin and green eyes; Marie had a captivating charm about her.

  The sexual tension between the two gradually intensified with each encounter in the psychiatric unit, in which they both worked. Jessica had never dated a girl before, but in college she had discovered her preference for women as well as men. The secretive nature of their relationship made it all the more exciting. In a few short weeks the tension became so unbearable that Jessica kissed Marie during a game of Scrabble. Soon, they began to spend all of their free time together.

  Chapter 3 – Goodbye

  Exploring her sexuality was thrilling for Jessica as she had felt sexually oppressed during her lengthy marriage. She had grown all too accustomed to, and bored of, missionary sex while Charles would stare obsessively into her eyes and groan “I just love you so much.”

  Marie was such a wild, free spirited girl – truly a breath of fresh air from the redundancy she felt with Charles. Both recently out of long-term relationships, they found solace and a novel sense of adventure within each other. They delved into all of their carnal desires – passionately, uninhibited, all the while keeping their relationship a secret from everyone. One time, in Jessica’s office, while no one ever suspected, she had pinned Marie up against the wall and performed oral sex on her, while Marie writhed and squirmed and tried not to scream as they heard the voices of coworkers in the hallway, outside the door.

  The ability to be so wild, free and taboo catered to a natural desire within Jessica. She felt something awaken – an unrestrained desire to please and be pleased sexually, after so many years of sexual oppression, by the culture in which she grew up, by Charles and his lack of knowledge on how to please a woman. Some sort of awakening took place inside her, and she knew that she wanted to experience so many more of the varieties of spice life had to offer.

  Jessica grew to be very fond of Marie and their titillating encounters, although the more interested Jessica became, the less interest Marie seemed to return. The moment Marie broke her heart was the beginning of an entirely new set of adventures for a dismal and perpetually blue girl. Rebound relationships rarely end up working out, and while Jessica knew this, she’d still had a glimmer of hope that things would turn out favorably.

  Dating had lots its appeal in its entirety, so Jessica swore off emotional attachment for a long while. She spent several solitary nights in the darkness with her woes and melancholy mood, until she decided that resiliency was the only option, so she created a new persona for herself. She swore that she would never, ever allow another miserable relationship – and that she would never again fall for someone unattainable.

  These two cardinal rules, Jessica was certain she would follow for the rest of her existence. She wrote a goodbye letter to Marie, filled with D. H. Lawrence quotes about suffering in relationships and unrequited love, mailed it, then vowed to never see her again.

  Chapter 4 – Discovery

  Enthralled by extensive reading on courtesans and sexually liberated women, Jessica found herself intrigued with the inner workings of the sex work world. A well-paid call girl could charge $400 an hour, but in an upscale city like Los Angeles or New York, it could easily be twice that amount. Jessica shuddered at the memories of laying underneath Charles, one too many burdensome times, dull and uninspired, being certain that this is what prostitutes must feel like as they sleep with clients, except in their case – they would receive payment.

  Jessica hated the notion that she had spent a good portion of her youth with someone who did not fulfill her sexual needs. She wanted to experience wild trysts and romantic flings, all void of one critical component – involvement of emotions. Jessica suddenly felt a strange inability to want to be emotionally invested in others. She couldn’t bear to put forth any more effort and feelings into relationships, so she kept herself at bay from people that she might find herself attracted to.

  Upon deciding that the fastest way to heal from the emotional wreckage would be to move to a new environment, Jessica left the three-bedroom house with Charles for a one-bedroom with her cat, Muffin. Cool, dry weather, Pacific mist in the air – mountains hovering tall in the forefront of a blue sky, sunshine sizzling on the pavement, palm trees, homeless people sleeping on benches and sidewalks, taco trucks and organic food everywhere – yes, none other than the city of angels, Los Angeles.

  Jessica loved to be immersed in sunshine and around people with friendly demeanors. L.A., known for its rich diversity, served as a source of inspiration for the girl. She wanted to experience all that she could in the time that she had: to s
urround herself with new sounds and new sights, to learn more about the people with so many different languages and nationalities, and most importantly, she wanted to establish a new part of her self.

  Chapter 5 – Sex Work

  The appeal and seemingly reckless nature of sex work seemed all too enticing for Jessica to pass up. After signing herself up on various sugar daddy websites, Jessica’s inboxes became flooded with emails from older men wanting to pay for her company. Older men from all over the country and walks of life sent messages her way, wanting to have a mutually beneficial arrangement in which Jessica would receive monetary compensation for spending time with the chosen suitor.

  The most enticing part about sex work for Jessica, besides the massive amounts of cash in hand, was the total absence of emotional commitment. She could not handle the idea of giving her heart out to someone to just have it be obliterated. Freshly out of a long-term marriage and a short-term, yet still intense relationship, Jessica felt it necessary to take some time off from regular dating. However, sex work was an exception.

  On the first date Jessica had with a potential sugar daddy, she dressed in a cream colored, flowery lace dress. It was easy to glide in heels across any room as a thinner girl. Ron, a forty-four year old CEO of a software company appeared shy and sheepish during a fancy dinner at a swanky steakhouse in the heart of L. A. Jessica felt confident that she could make him fall prey to her every whim.

  After dinner Jessica went to Ron’s executive apartment to wear off the two glasses of wine she’d had during dinner. It was a tall, open space with a large chandelier hanging from the ceiling, lighting up the vacuous room with the white furniture. A shopping bag from Nordstrom sat on the marble countertop in the kitchen. The two glasses of wine seemed to have given Jessica an airy, floating sensation, primarily due to the fact that that was the first time she had eaten all day.

  Not long after they had come inside, Ron motioned for her to sit on the couch. She did and he began to kiss her. She entertained him for a few seconds before pulling him off as she could clearly see his erection through his gray pants. Ron got up and sauntered into his bedroom then into the closet, where he stripped off all his clothing. He came out wearing nothing but a rigid, sideways cock. Jessica gazed at him with a quizzical expression as he strolled to the couch and began to masturbate.

  “Ugh, okay, I’m going to go now.”

  “Wait! Are you sure?”

  “Yes!” Jessica glared at him with contempt.

  She fumbled as she made her way across the enormous space, quickly stepped into her heels and snatched up her purse.

  “Wait,” Ron’s voice startled her as she darted toward the door, “could you just… could you just stand in the doorway for a minute?” he asked as he began stroking in a furious manner.

  Jessica ran out of the door. Appalled and in a state of panic, she cried to herself the entire way back home.

  Chapter 6 – Goddess

  This event with Ron did not inhibit her. In fact, it made her want to delve deeper into the mysterious world of sex work, the line of work most frowned upon by society. The next day she took some pictures of herself in lingerie, filled out a profile on an adult entertainment website, paid a hefty fee for advertising, and placed out an ad for a brand new high-class escort in the city of Los Angeles.

  Jessica seemed to enjoy this new sex work persona she’d created. The sex worker in her only wanted to excel at one thing – seduction. Just like many fascinating women throughout history, she wanted to captivate the world (or at the very least, men) with her intellect, beauty and charm.

  Stepping out of the sugar baby world for a little while, Jessica began to explore the world of being a dominatrix. She made new friends on BDSM websites who gave her knowledge and experience with domination and submission. A quick learner that she was, Jessica managed to pick up extensive knowledge about various fetishes and began working on her wardrobe. Soon, she moved from webcam sessions to in-person sessions at her apartment and the apartment of her submissives.

  One Sunday afternoon she found herself with a twenty-four year-old baseball player who enjoyed being pegged with a strapon by a woman, among other things.

  “Get back down on your knees you pathetic little bitch. You’d better not make eye contact without permission. The only time you’re allowed the privilege of having your eyes open is when you’re staring directly at the floor. Bark twice if you understand, like a good doggie!”

  “Woof, woof,” drooled the towering six foot four baseball player through a mouthful of plastic red ball, firmly in place between his teeth by the mouth gag. His perfectly sculpted features appeared comical against the light pink lace teddy he was wearing, similar to his very firm glutes protruding out of a g-string. This good boy was especially fond of the finer things in life like feeling sexy in women’s lingerie, receiving anal penetration from a superior woman with a strap-on, being slapped in the face hard while aroused, and worshipping a pretty pair of soft feet.

  “Good doggie,” Jessica patted him on the head as she smirked ironically at him, “now crawl back into your cage,” she pointed with a long, dainty purple fingernail to the steel dog cage underneath her bed.

  The bitch boy made his way back into the cage, assuming his usual position while Jessica began a seductively slow strip tease, during which she ignored him. She removed the garter belt straps from the tops of her black, thigh-high, lace stockings, then began rolling them down as the baseball player started panting in heat. Avoiding eye contact, Jessica said,

  “You’re unworthy of being with the rest of us in civilized society. You’re unworthy of being in the presence of a woman of my caliber. So sit there, in your dog cage, where you belong, and fantasize about what it would be like to be able to sleep at my feet every night.”

  “Mm yes Goddess,” the baseball player groaned through the black metal bars.

  Jessica had never considered how many alpha types were submissives, and she hadn’t realized just how many men were submissive in general until she dove deep into the dark and mysterious world of sex work. Grown men with unsuspecting wives, who would do anything, take on any role, just to have those few moments on euphoria.

  After removing his mouth guard, Jessica made him masturbate to the sight and touch of her feet through the metal bars of the cage.

  “You better lick all of that gross cum off the floor, slave! I don’t want any of your disgusting fluids anywhere near my stuff.”

  “Yes, Goddess,” came the eager compliance from the slave, as Jessica thought to herself that this was becoming all too familiar for her.

  Chapter 7 – Existentialism

  As the months passed, the further Jessica’s thoughts drifted from Marie and Charles. She began to grow accustomed to the new adventures in her life – so many men, so many environments, lack of emotional involvement – everything she had been seeking. Los Angeles, vibrant and lively, seemed the perfect city to be in.

  Having so many men pay for her attention seemed flattering to Jessica. Men from all cultures and ages, men she’d never even glance at in passing in any other context; all men so eager to spend time in her company. The more encounters and dates she had with them, the more her approach became very mechanical, technical and effortless. Soon the different roles she had taken on began to blur into her everyday life. Who was her natural self, once stripped of all the extraneous performance layers? This question seemed to persist at the back of her mind.

  On a Tuesday morning in the middle of July, Jessica stepped onto a flight headed for Saint Louis, sandwiched in between two men. After take-off Jessica pulled out her copy of “Scene’s from a Courtesan’s Life” by Balzac and “On Being and Nothingness” by Sartre and delighted in her most pleasurable activity, reading.

  After a few chapters she heard, “Balzac, is that right? That’s quite impressive. I don’t know too many people who like to read him.”

  She turned to the man sitting next to her and smiled.

&nbs
p; “What do you especially like about his style of writing?” Evan Peters perused Jessica’s face, seeming all too interested in what she might say.

  Jessica glanced at him after a pause, “I like that his characters are full of life themselves, and they are morally ambiguous – not necessarily good nor bad, just human.”

  “He influenced many writers such as Proust, and Dostoyevsky,” Evan continued, “But why are you reading about existentialism?”

  Jessica, having forgotten what it was like to mingle with men who weren’t at least twice her age and in a money-for-attention context, began to feel flushed on the receiving end of such attention from the blue-eyed stranger seated next to her.

  Chapter 8 – Tension

  This blue-eyed stranger seemed all too curious about this piquant creature with dark features, reading about courtesans and existentialism.

  “I was curious about philosophy and have heard him mentioned a lot, specifically by his lifelong mate, Simone de Beauvoir. They had an open relationship and the disturbing part is that they would seduce their seventeen year old students into sleeping with them.”

  “I take it you’re not a Nabokov fan then?” He inquired.

  “I think it’s disturbing to romanticize a work of fiction which sexualizes teenagers. It is not a love story, nor romantic, it’s sexual abuse, and it’s disturbing! Based on that premise alone I refuse to read that book.”

  Jessica felt a little flush in her cheeks. Then, to change the subject, she asked for his opinion on philosophy.

  Evan Peters smiled at her and held in a chuckle, his eyes illuminating with curiosity at this engaging individual. Jessica noticed the curvature of his cheeks and full crimson lips, and how they complemented his grand stature. His jet black hair enhanced the cerulean glow in his eyes.